The Little League World Series. Just the name itself makes one imagine old, hairy men lighting scented candles in their dimly lit dens, letting the candles burn until they melt and pouring the wax on their grotesque bodies for sexual stimulation while wondering what little Johnny from Davenport, Iowa is packing in his jock strap.
The Little League World Series. The Summer Classic. Pedophile Month on ESPN. Whatever you call it, it is an abhorrent event that has more negatives than positives.
Of course, the fact that it parades around young, hairless boys in competition at the pleasure of pedophiles worldwide is just one of the many awful facets of this annual tragedy.
While I could go down the list and refute Adam's arguments for the LLWS, I believe that a good argument makes its own points and doesn't just negate the points someone else has said. So I'll be doing my best to avoid directly challenging any of Adam's points. Mostly because about 3 sentences through, I lost interest and stopped reading.
The Little League World Series is a youth baseball competition. Baseball? Baseball? Fans of actual baseball should be offended. What those kids are playing out there is not baseball. The dimensions of the field and everything are absolutely awful. I've played pick-up whiffle ball with better dimensions.
The base paths are incredibly short. 60 feet from base to base. That's like softball dimensions right there, and we all know women's sports aren't real sports. There are no routine ground outs with this game, unless you're the chubby kid who couldn't beat Stephen Hawking in a race to first. Seriously, ground balls probably have a 50% chance of being infield hits, meaning complete perfection is asked on every infield play. How can I see an infielder's personality and flair if he doesn't have time to pull a double crow hop and slap his glove a few times before gunning the runner down at first? I mean, come on! We don't like T.O. and Chad whatever stupid fucking last name he's going by now because they can catch the ball. American sports fans like showboating. It should be mandatory to showboat in the Little League World Series, because the actual game is just too boring.
Then, there are no leadoffs. Which, with the 60 foot bases is probably a good thing. But that also means no stealing. Because in this dumb game, you can't leave the base until the ball crosses home plate. Making a 60 foot sprint to 2nd impossible when the catcher already has the ball and only has to throw it down. The only stolen bases are on wild pitches. No leadoffs. No stealing. No baseball. So any easy solution, push the bases back 10 or 20 feet, and let's play some real ball.
And why is the field so short? 225 to dead center, get outta here. Half of those kids are the size of grown men. 6 foot, 200 pound behemoths don't need a fence that close. Some of these kids already have facial hair, and if you have facial hair, you should play on the big boy fields.
Wanna know what else is wrong with the LLWS? Steroids.
Like I said, some of these kids are massive. So now the smaller kids got to find a way to make up for their disadvantage. They turn to roids. I'm telling you people, steroids find their way into any form of baseball. With all the pressure to represent a region or a country, of course these kids are gonna turn to the juice. Baseball is a gateway drug. The kids that play baseball, will eventually grow up and play a little game called "Performance Enhancing." And it's easy to be good at that game. Get a massive head. Develop back-ne. Have shrunken testicles. Go into violent rages unprovoked. Thanks a lot LLWS. My kid just gave his mother a black eye and a broken jaw.
I know, it's sad. But, steroids are a part of baseball the same way Detroit Tigers fans still complaining about Jim Joyce's call is. They're annoying and unnecessary, but people just won't stop doing it.
Of course, if your kid is one of the lucky ones not on the roids, he's probably gonna bring back more than just the opposing team's pins when they trade those little trinkets of memories after the game. He's gonna come back with an STD.
These kids get groupies like crazy. Come on, when you're in the LLWS, you're king shit and you can get any teammate's sister you want. They put these pubescent and horny boys in lodging with pools and hot tubs, of course they're going to bring back that honey at the concession stand deep throating a foot long for a little slap and pickle to take some stress off and unwind from a grueling 6 inning game (4 if you're lucky and you 10 run ruled those misfits from Taipei).
The LLWS is unfair too. Oh, so the USA gets an automatic pass to the championship game? The USA always gets home country advantage? We can't have the LLWS in some other country? Well bullshit. This nationalist propaganda to ensure "our boys" bring home the trophy is a joke. Yeah our country gets 8 teams in the LLWS and a guaranteed spot in the championship, and your country can get eh, 1. The LLWS is like the 3/5 Compromise all over again.
Here's a quick one. Cheating. Danny Almonte. Nuff said. I don't have time to spend on the easy ones.
There is almost literally nothing innately good about the LLWS. Yeah, maybe you can find some reason to convince yourself why you watch it; for the sake of sport and competition, for the drama, for those sexy little boys in uniform you pervert, but you can see all these things elsewhere and in much better ways.
So why watch the Little League World Series? Only one reason. For that big hill that kids slide down, provided somebody breaks their neck. Maybe you shouldn't have tried to show off and surf down on a piece of cardboard.