The Little League World Series. Just the name itself makes one imagine old, hairy men lighting scented candles in their dimly lit dens, letting the candles burn until they melt and pouring the wax on their grotesque bodies for sexual stimulation while wondering what little Johnny from Davenport, Iowa is packing in his jock strap.
The Little League World Series. The Summer Classic. Pedophile Month on ESPN. Whatever you call it, it is an abhorrent event that has more negatives than positives.
Of course, the fact that it parades around young, hairless boys in competition at the pleasure of pedophiles worldwide is just one of the many awful facets of this annual tragedy.
While I could go down the list and refute Adam's arguments for the LLWS, I believe that a good argument makes its own points and doesn't just negate the points someone else has said. So I'll be doing my best to avoid directly challenging any of Adam's points. Mostly because about 3 sentences through, I lost interest and stopped reading.
The Little League World Series is a youth baseball competition. Baseball? Baseball? Fans of actual baseball should be offended. What those kids are playing out there is not baseball. The dimensions of the field and everything are absolutely awful. I've played pick-up whiffle ball with better dimensions.
The base paths are incredibly short. 60 feet from base to base. That's like softball dimensions right there, and we all know women's sports aren't real sports. There are no routine ground outs with this game, unless you're the chubby kid who couldn't beat Stephen Hawking in a race to first. Seriously, ground balls probably have a 50% chance of being infield hits, meaning complete perfection is asked on every infield play. How can I see an infielder's personality and flair if he doesn't have time to pull a double crow hop and slap his glove a few times before gunning the runner down at first? I mean, come on! We don't like T.O. and Chad whatever stupid fucking last name he's going by now because they can catch the ball. American sports fans like showboating. It should be mandatory to showboat in the Little League World Series, because the actual game is just too boring.
Then, there are no leadoffs. Which, with the 60 foot bases is probably a good thing. But that also means no stealing. Because in this dumb game, you can't leave the base until the ball crosses home plate. Making a 60 foot sprint to 2nd impossible when the catcher already has the ball and only has to throw it down. The only stolen bases are on wild pitches. No leadoffs. No stealing. No baseball. So any easy solution, push the bases back 10 or 20 feet, and let's play some real ball.
And why is the field so short? 225 to dead center, get outta here. Half of those kids are the size of grown men. 6 foot, 200 pound behemoths don't need a fence that close. Some of these kids already have facial hair, and if you have facial hair, you should play on the big boy fields.
Wanna know what else is wrong with the LLWS? Steroids.
Like I said, some of these kids are massive. So now the smaller kids got to find a way to make up for their disadvantage. They turn to roids. I'm telling you people, steroids find their way into any form of baseball. With all the pressure to represent a region or a country, of course these kids are gonna turn to the juice. Baseball is a gateway drug. The kids that play baseball, will eventually grow up and play a little game called "Performance Enhancing." And it's easy to be good at that game. Get a massive head. Develop back-ne. Have shrunken testicles. Go into violent rages unprovoked. Thanks a lot LLWS. My kid just gave his mother a black eye and a broken jaw.
I know, it's sad. But, steroids are a part of baseball the same way Detroit Tigers fans still complaining about Jim Joyce's call is. They're annoying and unnecessary, but people just won't stop doing it.
Of course, if your kid is one of the lucky ones not on the roids, he's probably gonna bring back more than just the opposing team's pins when they trade those little trinkets of memories after the game. He's gonna come back with an STD.
These kids get groupies like crazy. Come on, when you're in the LLWS, you're king shit and you can get any teammate's sister you want. They put these pubescent and horny boys in lodging with pools and hot tubs, of course they're going to bring back that honey at the concession stand deep throating a foot long for a little slap and pickle to take some stress off and unwind from a grueling 6 inning game (4 if you're lucky and you 10 run ruled those misfits from Taipei).
The LLWS is unfair too. Oh, so the USA gets an automatic pass to the championship game? The USA always gets home country advantage? We can't have the LLWS in some other country? Well bullshit. This nationalist propaganda to ensure "our boys" bring home the trophy is a joke. Yeah our country gets 8 teams in the LLWS and a guaranteed spot in the championship, and your country can get eh, 1. The LLWS is like the 3/5 Compromise all over again.
Here's a quick one. Cheating. Danny Almonte. Nuff said. I don't have time to spend on the easy ones.
There is almost literally nothing innately good about the LLWS. Yeah, maybe you can find some reason to convince yourself why you watch it; for the sake of sport and competition, for the drama, for those sexy little boys in uniform you pervert, but you can see all these things elsewhere and in much better ways.
So why watch the Little League World Series? Only one reason. For that big hill that kids slide down, provided somebody breaks their neck. Maybe you shouldn't have tried to show off and surf down on a piece of cardboard.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Play Ball!
Well, folks, it's that time of year again. Some might even say it's the most heartwarming, wonderful time of the year. No, I'm not talking about Christmas, or even back-to-school....I'm talking about the one, the only, Little League World Series.
To some, the LLWS may seem a petty undertaking...a waste of time. I disagree. Sport, in and of itself, is good for youth. It teaches us teamwork, communication skills, and perseverance. I could go in-depth on all those sappy things, but I think the LLWS provides a number of other, better reasons for us to devote nearly a month of our television viewing time. Some of these may seem obvious, some may seem like a reach, but they're all legitimate, I promise.
Among the myriad of reasons the Little League World Series is good:
The kids -Everybody Most people love kids. They love watching kids do awesome things. In addition, people love watching kids embarrass themselves from time to time. This definitely happens on more than a few occasions during the LLWS, giving us reason to both cheer and laugh, sometimes at the same time.
Family - We all have a family. Everybody's is different, but one thing is certain: everybody's family is weird to one degree or another. The LLWS gives us a chance to realize that our family isn't really that weird. We can make fun of the over-excited moms who jump up and down every time their kid so much as comes close to the ball. Then, in the same thought, we can look back and think of how embarrassing our moms were when we played at that age. And then determine the moms at the LLWS are worse. Especially if they have a small cardboard cutout of their kid on a stick.
Short fences - The fences are really disproportionately small for 12 year old kids. But, this provides some good. Even the 9-batter, who might weigh 125 lbs after a swim in his uniform, can step up to the plate and go yard. Then we can watch him gleefully round the bases, hopefully tripping on second base and falling, and then be mobbed by his teammates at home plate, even if the team is down by 8 runs.
No leadoffs - This takes away most of the opportunity to steal, which is kind of nice. The other thing it does is prevent kids from going from second to third base on the inevitable curveball in the dirt that barely dribbles away from the catcher but he doesn't know where it is then finally finds it in his feet. Or, ya know, he just misses it and it goes to the backstop.
Short bases - Gives the kids who hit a grounder to short an actual chance to make it on base. Lots of close plays and umpire drama. Which brings me to my next point:
Umpires - We get a good view at all the different ways these 12 year old kids can get rung up like a school bell. We also get plenty of opportunity to have a good laugh at the umps' expense. The obligatory out-of-sync version of the chicken dance during the 7th inning stretch is always a crowd pleaser. Then, of course, we also get to see tomorrow's Jim Joyce botch calls.
International flavor - There's always a story about underprivileged teams from Central- or Latin-American countries. Kids from around the world - USA, the middle-Americas, Asia, etc. - can enjoy a trip to beautiful rural Pennsylvania - no doubt the first place any foreigner would want to travel to in the United States.
The spirit of competition, and sportsmanship - A mercy rule is implemented so the kids won't want to kill themselves, or turn gay, because they or their team suck at baseball.
Future aspirations - It's fun to watch these kids and think where they could be in 8-10 years. A number of LLWS'ers have gone on to Major League Baseball stardom (Gary Sheffield, Jason Bay, Dwight Gooden, Jason Varitek, Lastings MIlledge to name a few). But not every Little Leaguer goes on to star on the diamond. A few have made it big time in other sports - Pierre Turgeon and Chris Drury in the NHL, Matt Cassel in the NFL. It's also entertaining to watch and see who will be tomorrow's Danny Almonte - the kid who is so dominant it can't be true, and then it really does turn out to be untrue and then he fades into the oblivion of normal human life.
Hopefully this gives you some reason to turn on the LLWS at one point or another during the next month or so. It may not be the best baseball - in fact, it may be bad baseball - but it can be worth your time, especially if you've had a few adult beverages.
One final thought: The LLWS is good for not only the reasons listed above, but also for the fact that it helps form our youth into the future of this and other countries, and quite possibly the stars of tomorrow.
To some, the LLWS may seem a petty undertaking...a waste of time. I disagree. Sport, in and of itself, is good for youth. It teaches us teamwork, communication skills, and perseverance. I could go in-depth on all those sappy things, but I think the LLWS provides a number of other, better reasons for us to devote nearly a month of our television viewing time. Some of these may seem obvious, some may seem like a reach, but they're all legitimate, I promise.
Among the myriad of reasons the Little League World Series is good:
The kids -
Family - We all have a family. Everybody's is different, but one thing is certain: everybody's family is weird to one degree or another. The LLWS gives us a chance to realize that our family isn't really that weird. We can make fun of the over-excited moms who jump up and down every time their kid so much as comes close to the ball. Then, in the same thought, we can look back and think of how embarrassing our moms were when we played at that age. And then determine the moms at the LLWS are worse. Especially if they have a small cardboard cutout of their kid on a stick.
Short fences - The fences are really disproportionately small for 12 year old kids. But, this provides some good. Even the 9-batter, who might weigh 125 lbs after a swim in his uniform, can step up to the plate and go yard. Then we can watch him gleefully round the bases, hopefully tripping on second base and falling, and then be mobbed by his teammates at home plate, even if the team is down by 8 runs.
No leadoffs - This takes away most of the opportunity to steal, which is kind of nice. The other thing it does is prevent kids from going from second to third base on the inevitable curveball in the dirt that barely dribbles away from the catcher but he doesn't know where it is then finally finds it in his feet. Or, ya know, he just misses it and it goes to the backstop.
Short bases - Gives the kids who hit a grounder to short an actual chance to make it on base. Lots of close plays and umpire drama. Which brings me to my next point:
Umpires - We get a good view at all the different ways these 12 year old kids can get rung up like a school bell. We also get plenty of opportunity to have a good laugh at the umps' expense. The obligatory out-of-sync version of the chicken dance during the 7th inning stretch is always a crowd pleaser. Then, of course, we also get to see tomorrow's Jim Joyce botch calls.
International flavor - There's always a story about underprivileged teams from Central- or Latin-American countries. Kids from around the world - USA, the middle-Americas, Asia, etc. - can enjoy a trip to beautiful rural Pennsylvania - no doubt the first place any foreigner would want to travel to in the United States.
The spirit of competition, and sportsmanship - A mercy rule is implemented so the kids won't want to kill themselves, or turn gay, because they or their team suck at baseball.
Future aspirations - It's fun to watch these kids and think where they could be in 8-10 years. A number of LLWS'ers have gone on to Major League Baseball stardom (Gary Sheffield, Jason Bay, Dwight Gooden, Jason Varitek, Lastings MIlledge to name a few). But not every Little Leaguer goes on to star on the diamond. A few have made it big time in other sports - Pierre Turgeon and Chris Drury in the NHL, Matt Cassel in the NFL. It's also entertaining to watch and see who will be tomorrow's Danny Almonte - the kid who is so dominant it can't be true, and then it really does turn out to be untrue and then he fades into the oblivion of normal human life.
Hopefully this gives you some reason to turn on the LLWS at one point or another during the next month or so. It may not be the best baseball - in fact, it may be bad baseball - but it can be worth your time, especially if you've had a few adult beverages.
One final thought: The LLWS is good for not only the reasons listed above, but also for the fact that it helps form our youth into the future of this and other countries, and quite possibly the stars of tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Mr. Suh, please sign
Dear Ndamukong Suh,
You are a 6'4", 307lb specimen of a human athlete. You are quite possibly the most dominant defensive lineman to come out of college in the last 10 years. You were drafted 2nd overall this year by our beloved Detroit Lions. You were drafted behind Sam Bradford and ahead of Gerald McCoy, both of whom have signed contracts. You know how much money you should be making. You said you wanted to be in camp on time. Well, this is now Day 3 of your holdout, and we Lions fans are getting sick of it. Sign the contract, Big Boy, and get into camp. Get to work so you can terrorize opposing quarterbacks and try to help restore some of the luster to Detroit football. We're sick of this crap, and just want to see you on the field. Sign a contract. Please and thanks.
Best Regards,
Disgruntled Loyal Detroit Lions Fans Everywhere
You are a 6'4", 307lb specimen of a human athlete. You are quite possibly the most dominant defensive lineman to come out of college in the last 10 years. You were drafted 2nd overall this year by our beloved Detroit Lions. You were drafted behind Sam Bradford and ahead of Gerald McCoy, both of whom have signed contracts. You know how much money you should be making. You said you wanted to be in camp on time. Well, this is now Day 3 of your holdout, and we Lions fans are getting sick of it. Sign the contract, Big Boy, and get into camp. Get to work so you can terrorize opposing quarterbacks and try to help restore some of the luster to Detroit football. We're sick of this crap, and just want to see you on the field. Sign a contract. Please and thanks.
Best Regards,
2010-11 Red Wings (we think)
With the news this morning that veteran Mike Modano will be signing with the Red Wings on Thursday, I've decided to take a look at the lineup for this year. GM Ken Holland says he's still looking for another defenseman, and that may or may not happen, but let's look at who is on the roster as of now (I'm going to write the 4th line as I want to see it, not necessarily how it will play out):
Forwards -
Holmstrom - Datsyuk - Filppula
Bertuzzi - Zetterberg - Franzen
Cleary - Modano - Hudler
Eaves - Helm - Abdelkader
Reserve Forwards
Miller, Draper, Ritola
I am, of course, assuming that Helm and Abdelkader sign here in the near future. It would be a damn shame if they don't.
Defense (And again, the pairings may end up being different with the young guys in the mix) -
Lidstrom - Rafalski
Stuart - Kronwall
Ericsson - Kindl
Reserve Defenseman
Meech
Goalies -
Howard
Osgood
The first, obvious, thing that jumps out at me about this team is it's incredible depth. Especially if Rafalski and Lidstrom are split up to each anchor with one of the young guys, the roster looks solid. With the 15 forwards on the roster, we could yield 5 legitimate NHL-quality lines, and about 4.5 of them have some scoring ability.
As of this moment, the Wings have roughly $3.27million in cap space left. Modano will reportedly sign a one-year contract worth $1.25million, so the remaining space is now $2.02mil. That's plenty of room to get Helm and Abdelkader locked up at around $800,000 each. Assuming that figure comes to fruition, that would leave the Wings with $.42mil with which to work. That's clearly not enough to make any moves, but it is enough to allow some sort of call-up during the year. I would expect 1 or 2 of the following to be traded to create some more space: Drew Miller, Mattias Ritola, and Derek Meech.
The first choice for a trade would be Drew Miller. He's making the most out of that group, $650,000. That would put the Wings with over $1mil in cap space, and still allow for some reserve forwards and a 7th defenseman in case of injury. If the Wings really wanted to, though, they could also trade Meech, putting them at about the $1.5mil mark, and do a couple different things:
Search for a bargain veteran-ish 7th defenseman
Do nothing, keep the 6 defenseman and call up a Doug Janik type player if someone gets injured, and leave some space for a trade deadline deal
Assuming that this Modano deal really does come through, that Jimmy Howard doesn't have a sophomore slump, and that Helm and Abdelkader get signed, the Wings have become the favorites in the West. Howard shored up the goaltending last year and carried the team on his back to the playoffs. How he didn't win the Calder trophy as the Rookie of the Year is still beyond me. The top 3 lines could be first lines on just about every NHL team. The 4th line (as I have it) has speed, grit, and a little goalscoring ability thrown in there, too.
So please, Mr. Holland, get Helm and Abdelkader signed, and let's get the season rolling. It's going to be a great year in Hockeytown.
Forwards -
Holmstrom - Datsyuk - Filppula
Bertuzzi - Zetterberg - Franzen
Cleary - Modano - Hudler
Eaves - Helm - Abdelkader
Reserve Forwards
Miller, Draper, Ritola
I am, of course, assuming that Helm and Abdelkader sign here in the near future. It would be a damn shame if they don't.
Defense (And again, the pairings may end up being different with the young guys in the mix) -
Lidstrom - Rafalski
Stuart - Kronwall
Ericsson - Kindl
Reserve Defenseman
Meech
Goalies -
Howard
Osgood
The first, obvious, thing that jumps out at me about this team is it's incredible depth. Especially if Rafalski and Lidstrom are split up to each anchor with one of the young guys, the roster looks solid. With the 15 forwards on the roster, we could yield 5 legitimate NHL-quality lines, and about 4.5 of them have some scoring ability.
As of this moment, the Wings have roughly $3.27million in cap space left. Modano will reportedly sign a one-year contract worth $1.25million, so the remaining space is now $2.02mil. That's plenty of room to get Helm and Abdelkader locked up at around $800,000 each. Assuming that figure comes to fruition, that would leave the Wings with $.42mil with which to work. That's clearly not enough to make any moves, but it is enough to allow some sort of call-up during the year. I would expect 1 or 2 of the following to be traded to create some more space: Drew Miller, Mattias Ritola, and Derek Meech.
The first choice for a trade would be Drew Miller. He's making the most out of that group, $650,000. That would put the Wings with over $1mil in cap space, and still allow for some reserve forwards and a 7th defenseman in case of injury. If the Wings really wanted to, though, they could also trade Meech, putting them at about the $1.5mil mark, and do a couple different things:
Search for a bargain veteran-ish 7th defenseman
Do nothing, keep the 6 defenseman and call up a Doug Janik type player if someone gets injured, and leave some space for a trade deadline deal
Assuming that this Modano deal really does come through, that Jimmy Howard doesn't have a sophomore slump, and that Helm and Abdelkader get signed, the Wings have become the favorites in the West. Howard shored up the goaltending last year and carried the team on his back to the playoffs. How he didn't win the Calder trophy as the Rookie of the Year is still beyond me. The top 3 lines could be first lines on just about every NHL team. The 4th line (as I have it) has speed, grit, and a little goalscoring ability thrown in there, too.
So please, Mr. Holland, get Helm and Abdelkader signed, and let's get the season rolling. It's going to be a great year in Hockeytown.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Education Update
Gotta love summer classes. It seems such a simple task - condense a normal class into 7 weeks....and you're done. But oh-ho-ho how they trick you. They sucker you in and make the class ridiculous. And this can be done in more way than one. For instance, online classes.
Now I know what some of you may say. "Hey Adam, online classes are so cool and easy!" Wrong. The guy who gives the lectures has an accent that is nothing short of a mix of Australian and Southern (think Louisiana type). Annoying as hell. It's nearly impossible to pay attention to the guy for more than about 5 minutes. Note-taking can be a pain in the ass, too. With one exception, it's fairly easy, actually. (I know I'm contradicting myself here, but bear with me a moment) Since the lectures are online and on a video .pdf, I can pause, rewind, skip thru, or completely rewatch lectures. That is pretty cool. But here's the major flaw. Finding time to actually watch the damn things. Believe it or not, I actually do have a life and am doing things other than this class this summer - for example, my other class.
Now this class has been a royal disaster. I'm an economics major and these are both economics courses, but I'm about to tell you something that sounds extremely non-economical. I commute back and forth to this class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with an hour drive each way. Sounds real counterproductive, yais? Well, truth be told, I actually did my due diligence and worked the numbers and found out that I would be saving money by commuting, as opposed to finding a place to sublease for the summer. So the commute is pretty rough, but that's not the only drawback. The class is taught by a Grad student TA whose voicebox apparently did not fully develop as he went through puberty. It's not that he's still a high-pitched pipsqueak, but rather his voice breaks a lot and doesn't have a normal tone. Listening to him is like listening to an old scratched up record. There are times when I just plant my head on the desk and stop trying. It's not fun.
Having said all that, I really must say that I kinda like this summer setup. The timing of the classes really is a nice perk. I'm getting 6 credits done in 7 weeks. Well, hopefully. Which brings me to my next point.
I just finished the round of midterms. The in-class midterm was not bad. But it paled in comparison to the online midterm. This class has had a number of fiascos from the start, the latest of which was the difficulty of the midterm. The midterm was open-note, open-book, open-everything, and we had 4 hours to complete 19 questions. This seems like a no-brainer, right? Again, wrong. The asshole TA decided to include a number of questions that were never covered on any of the lectures, notes, or in the book. My response: What? I went to a certain message board to see if anyone else was having this much difficulty with the class. The feedback was overwhelming. People complaining (and rightly so) left and right. I was relieved to know I'm not the only one. So I ended up finishing the midterm, but completed only 15 of the 19 questions. The other 4 were un-answerable, so I wrote in some BS and tried to complain/explain why I hadn't finished. I've yet to receive my score.
I don't like to speculate on my scores of tests, quizzes, etc. I simply set myself up for failure. It happens every time, too. I guess high, and get a low score. Or I guess low, and still get a low score. Epic failure. So I've just stopped. I have no expectations, and whatever I get will be a reward for me. Unfortunately, I really do have to do well in these courses, so I'm hoping I came through in the clutch. No predictions, though.
So in the end, do the summer courses pass or fail? In (hopefully) every sense of the word, they pass. The speed at which the course is completed vastly outweighs any negatives I've encountered thus far, regardless of how severely the negatives may piss me off.
Now I know what some of you may say. "Hey Adam, online classes are so cool and easy!" Wrong. The guy who gives the lectures has an accent that is nothing short of a mix of Australian and Southern (think Louisiana type). Annoying as hell. It's nearly impossible to pay attention to the guy for more than about 5 minutes. Note-taking can be a pain in the ass, too. With one exception, it's fairly easy, actually. (I know I'm contradicting myself here, but bear with me a moment) Since the lectures are online and on a video .pdf, I can pause, rewind, skip thru, or completely rewatch lectures. That is pretty cool. But here's the major flaw. Finding time to actually watch the damn things. Believe it or not, I actually do have a life and am doing things other than this class this summer - for example, my other class.
Now this class has been a royal disaster. I'm an economics major and these are both economics courses, but I'm about to tell you something that sounds extremely non-economical. I commute back and forth to this class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with an hour drive each way. Sounds real counterproductive, yais? Well, truth be told, I actually did my due diligence and worked the numbers and found out that I would be saving money by commuting, as opposed to finding a place to sublease for the summer. So the commute is pretty rough, but that's not the only drawback. The class is taught by a Grad student TA whose voicebox apparently did not fully develop as he went through puberty. It's not that he's still a high-pitched pipsqueak, but rather his voice breaks a lot and doesn't have a normal tone. Listening to him is like listening to an old scratched up record. There are times when I just plant my head on the desk and stop trying. It's not fun.
Having said all that, I really must say that I kinda like this summer setup. The timing of the classes really is a nice perk. I'm getting 6 credits done in 7 weeks. Well, hopefully. Which brings me to my next point.
I just finished the round of midterms. The in-class midterm was not bad. But it paled in comparison to the online midterm. This class has had a number of fiascos from the start, the latest of which was the difficulty of the midterm. The midterm was open-note, open-book, open-everything, and we had 4 hours to complete 19 questions. This seems like a no-brainer, right? Again, wrong. The asshole TA decided to include a number of questions that were never covered on any of the lectures, notes, or in the book. My response: What? I went to a certain message board to see if anyone else was having this much difficulty with the class. The feedback was overwhelming. People complaining (and rightly so) left and right. I was relieved to know I'm not the only one. So I ended up finishing the midterm, but completed only 15 of the 19 questions. The other 4 were un-answerable, so I wrote in some BS and tried to complain/explain why I hadn't finished. I've yet to receive my score.
I don't like to speculate on my scores of tests, quizzes, etc. I simply set myself up for failure. It happens every time, too. I guess high, and get a low score. Or I guess low, and still get a low score. Epic failure. So I've just stopped. I have no expectations, and whatever I get will be a reward for me. Unfortunately, I really do have to do well in these courses, so I'm hoping I came through in the clutch. No predictions, though.
So in the end, do the summer courses pass or fail? In (hopefully) every sense of the word, they pass. The speed at which the course is completed vastly outweighs any negatives I've encountered thus far, regardless of how severely the negatives may piss me off.
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